In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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