sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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