the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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