Princesses don't give blow jobs
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
