she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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