im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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