meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
