the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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