I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
