ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
