Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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