peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
