My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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