Already got asked if we're dating
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I would ride that face into the sunset
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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