My room smells like vodka and shame
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
