dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
