I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
