Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
