Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
