It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
