I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
