i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
