Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
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