Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
