Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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