i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
