Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
