its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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