I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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