she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My ass is underappreciated
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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