the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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