When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
