i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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