I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
People in love make me want to vomit
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
