Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
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