if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
