I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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