i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
