My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
