***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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