My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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