im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
