i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
