The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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