How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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