Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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