Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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