Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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