Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Randomize
