Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
