meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
