i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
