Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
