My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
