Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Randomize
