he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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