Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
