seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
