no, he came in my armpit
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
