My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
